I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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