Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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