i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
