I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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