Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The convent might be a nice break from real life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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