On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
