oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
