You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
