there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
