You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
