you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
