Just fell off a train. Bad.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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