i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
