look no pants
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize