Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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