I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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