the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
