I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"