so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He better not be in your backpack
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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