She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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