I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
