A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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