Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
