i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
All I want is dick and wine.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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