I'm so fucking centered right now
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
