3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
