everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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