as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
