At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
