dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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