she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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