The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
