Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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