If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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