Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
