my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
These 17 People Made Horrible Decisions That Ruined Their Lives
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
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Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me