Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA