I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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