Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
