I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
