I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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