You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
