I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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