Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
