happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize