i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
