So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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