I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.