I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!