Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume