There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂