last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the condom got lost in my hair
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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