They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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