No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
