i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
