Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
