i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
