I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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