My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
