all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
