Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
