we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
